I've been in a bit of a slump lately; spending way too much time thinking about "what could have been". I'm not a fan of "woulda, coulda, shoulda" so I'm frustrated with my obsession.
It occurred to me that I might be experiencing a midlife crisis. Indicators are pointing in that direction. After all, I did get a new [er] car, WITH a sunroof, and I have been living it up by reorganizing closets and such. I've been swirling in a cesspool of self-doubt and regrets. I wish I had finished college. I wish I hadn't let myself put on so much weight. I wish I were more social, had more friends. I wish I were more productive and creative. When I think about "what I want to be when I grow up" I am completely blank. I sit with my mouth half open and go "uhhhh"(so how could I finish college when even now, I don't know what I "want to be"?). I would really like to move on from whatever it is that's going on in my life right now. The fact that I have 30 year class reunion this summer isn't helping. I've had several dreams about attending the reunion even though I decided not to go. I thought I had made a firm decision and yet there is a part of me that feels like I'd be missing out if I didn't go. Missing out on WHAT? I can feel awkward and self-conscience and lonely in a room full of people any day, any time--don't need to buy a new dress and pay for that privilege.
The good news is that I haven't lost sight of what sustains me and matters most:
#1. I was a good Mommy and I am an even better Mom today.
#2. I am a good wife. I give and love with all my heart.
#3. I am and have been a good and hard worker, at no matter what I've had to do over the years to earn a living (from vending machine surveys, to delivering luggage for the airport, to being a school secretary).
I don't have a college degree, I'm not thin and I don't have a boat load of friends. What I do have is a happy, kind, caring and successful daughter, a perfect (yes, I said perfect) marriage and a stress-free job that I really enjoy. Now, why would I have any regrets?