Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Midlife Crisis?

I've been in a bit of a slump lately; spending way too much time thinking about "what could have been". I'm not a fan of "woulda, coulda, shoulda" so I'm frustrated with my obsession.

It occurred to me that I might be experiencing a midlife crisis. Indicators are pointing in that direction. After all, I did get a new [er] car, WITH a sunroof, and I have been living it up by reorganizing closets and such. I've been swirling in a cesspool of self-doubt and regrets. I wish I had finished college. I wish I hadn't let myself put on so much weight. I wish I were more social, had more friends. I wish I were more productive and creative. When I think about "what I want to be when I grow up" I am completely blank. I sit with my mouth half open and go "uhhhh"(so how could I finish college when even now, I don't know what I "want to be"?). I would really like to move on from whatever it is that's going on in my life right now. The fact that I have 30 year class reunion this summer isn't helping. I've had several dreams about attending the reunion even though I decided not to go. I thought I had made a firm decision and yet there is a part of me that feels like I'd be missing out if I didn't go. Missing out on WHAT? I can feel awkward and self-conscience and lonely in a room full of people any day, any time--don't need to buy a new dress and pay for that privilege.

The good news is that I haven't lost sight of what sustains me and matters most:

#1. I was a good Mommy and I am an even better Mom today.
#2. I am a good wife. I give and love with all my heart.
#3. I am and have been a good and hard worker, at no matter what I've had to do over the years to earn a living (from vending machine surveys, to delivering luggage for the airport, to being a school secretary).

I don't have a college degree, I'm not thin and I don't have a boat load of friends. What I do have is a happy, kind, caring and successful daughter, a perfect (yes, I said perfect) marriage and a stress-free job that I really enjoy. Now, why would I have any regrets?


sweetlittlelife said...

You know what? In the next couple of years things are going to change drastically and you are going to have a whole new purpose and chapter of life to live! Aaron and I are going to give you some grandchildren to love. We are going to go to Ivanhoe's on summer nights. We can take up country bike riding together. Brighter, sunnier, happier days are coming!

Tresa said...

Thank you Mallory. You are so right. It's gonna be great! I love you!